Day 16 After the Breakup: His Bluetooth Headphones Still Connect to My Phone
After taking a shower, with my hair still half wet, I turned on my phone, and the familiar sound of the Bluetooth headphones connected again. It’s been 16 days, and the Bluetooth hasn’t disconnected, nor has he completely left. Is it funny? Even after breaking up, we still share a pair of ears, as if neither of us has the courage to sever the connection completely.
Actually, it’s not that I don’t want to disconnect; I’m just really lazy, or maybe it’s a sense of unwillingness, or perhaps I feel like I can still pretend he hasn’t completely left. The headphone case is on my bedside table, his, a Xiaomi model, with some fingerprints still on the lid. I didn’t wipe it, thinking that if I did, it would leave no trace. Every day on my way to work, when I want to listen to something, I still reach for those headphones. I have my own, but I always feel his sound quality is a bit better, maybe it’s just in my head.
On this 16th day, the weather is gloomy. On my way back from work, I didn’t even take the subway; I just wanted to walk slowly. There was a couple by the roadside, the guy tying the girl’s shoelaces, and she laughed loudly, which I heard. I pretended not to see, looking down at my phone, only to accidentally open his Moments. He blocked me, oh no, I blocked him. I forgot which day it happened, but now we can’t see each other’s posts. The message page is still there, with the previous message “Are you home yet?” still unread, like a joke.
At dinner, I ordered two dishes, one meat and one vegetable, just like before. Halfway through, I suddenly felt it was unnecessary. The remaining dish was originally for him. There’s still yogurt in the fridge that he bought last week, but it’s expired, so I threw it away. While washing the dishes, I couldn’t help but think about how heavy these little fragments accumulate. When others ask me if we broke up, I say yes, and everyone says it’s for the best, that we should have broken up long ago. But no one knows that at night, when I hug my pillow and can’t sleep, I still think of him.
Sometimes the phone screen lights up, and his WeChat avatar is still in the list. My finger hovers over the delete button, going back and forth, deleting and adding, adding and blocking, blocking and opening again. I even think I’m being neurotic; my friends advise me, saying I’m too rational, asking how I can’t let go of something like this? I want to be rational too, but when I should think, my mind is clear, and when I shouldn’t, my heart is full of him.
Once, a friend took me to a bar, saying to forget him and just have a couple of drinks. By midnight, I was throwing up everywhere, and my friend took me home, and on the way, I kept mumbling his name. My friend was speechless, helping me tuck in my blanket, saying, “Su Nuan Nuan, you really need to wake up.” At that moment, I knew very well that I couldn’t wake up, I just couldn’t. He’s in my life like air, like those Bluetooth headphones, automatically connecting, impossible to turn off.
Today, while hanging clothes on the balcony, the wind was strong, and the clothes were blown all over the place. I suddenly remembered how he used to complain that I didn’t hang the clothes neatly, saying I was careless. Now no one says that, and actually, no one helps me collect them. Standing alone on the balcony, I felt like crying, but crying made me feel pretentious. On the 16th day after the breakup, life still goes on, but some habits are really hard to change.
He hasn’t blocked me, and I haven’t blocked him. Occasionally, I think about whether I should send a message asking when he will come to pick up the headphones. My finger slides across the screen, but in the end, I didn’t send anything. Maybe it’s just that I don’t want to sever this last bit of contact. The Bluetooth headphones are still connected, like the last thread between us. Perhaps one day he will suddenly come to take them away, and everything will be completely over. But right now, I’m not ready.
On the 16th day, I still haven’t completely disconnected. Actually, there’s no way around it; who isn’t like this, slowly getting through it?