My daughter has self-harmed twice.
The first time was in June 2023, on the day she broke down at school and I brought her home. It was the class teacher who reminded me: she said my daughter had many scratches on her arm.
I felt like the sky had fallen; guilt and self-blame surged over me, and I couldn’t understand why. When I got home from work, I timidly asked her about it, but she held her arm tightly. I was actually very scared, and when she wasn’t paying attention, I rolled up her sleeve. Despite having mentally prepared myself for a long time, I was still stunned by the scene before me, and I broke down in tears.
I was particularly flustered, and my partner kept nagging me, saying I had raised the child to be like this.
The only solution I could think of at that moment was to transfer 2000 yuan to my daughter’s WeChat account, feeling that she had suffered a lot and wanting her to be happy again as soon as possible. This money was spent within a week on merchandise, claw machines, and blind boxes. Later, I took her to see a doctor and sought psychological counseling, practicing unconditional acceptance, but her condition did not improve; she was lethargic, and her gaze became increasingly unsettling.
The second time was in July. Because my daughter was experiencing significant physical reactions, such as palpitations and severe trembling, I took her for acupuncture. The doctor suggested she take a break from school, and she cried every day, saying she didn’t want to go to school anymore. Once again, my daughter self-harmed.
When I got home from work, I saw her lying on the table with a paper cutter beside her, and her arm was marked with scratches.
This time, I wasn’t particularly flustered because I had learned from the previous experience and had seen many similar cases in the group, gaining some insights. My communication skills and emotional control had significantly improved compared to when she first stopped attending school. I thought that there must be a purpose behind her self-harm, so I wanted to have a good talk with her and encourage her to express herself so we could discuss how to handle it together.
I took some alcohol and cotton swabs, held her arm, and while cleaning it, I asked:
I: Mommy feels very sad seeing you hurt yourself. How did this happen? (I steadied myself and expressed my feelings without any blame)
Child: It’s nothing, I just don’t want to live anymore.
I: You must be facing difficulties and pressures, but self-harm won’t solve the problem. (I guided her to talk about her feelings)
Child: I don’t want to go to school anymore. You need to help me take a break from school. Why can XXX do it, but I can’t?
I: It’s summer vacation now; we don’t need to go to school.
Child: I won’t go in September either.
I: Let’s talk about September when it comes; for now, let’s focus on enjoying each day.
Then I cleaned her arm and said seriously:
“Mommy hopes you remember that there are three things we cannot do in this world: harm ourselves, harm others, and destroy nature.”
Overall, I remained calm this time, and my child was also very composed. There was no blame throughout, nor did I say anything hurtful. Throughout the summer vacation, I didn’t worry about her studies; I followed the steps for her return to school, encouraged her to do chores, exercise, and provided emotional support, constantly affirming and encouraging her. My child’s spirit returned, and it wasn’t long before she told me, “Mommy, I no longer have the thought of not going to school.” I ran downstairs and cried.
On September 1st, she successfully returned to school for the third grade of junior high, and last year she took the high school entrance examination. Since then, our family’s situation has been getting better and better.
Parents who have gone through this have established a public welfare group, welcoming parents troubled by their children’s reluctance to study to discuss together.