This issue’s theme:
The Dilemmas of Female Intimacy (Intimacy & In-Between)
The second guest for this issue:Grace
S&C: Hi Grace, can you tell me a bit about yourself?
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Career path: 7 years in auditing → currently a consulting advisor
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Life status: Married, no children, owns a house and a car (experiencing the “standard answer” life)
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My tags: #Perfectionism #Results-oriented #High standards, high efficiency
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Current mindset: The external puzzle seems to be in place, but the internal picture has entered a phase of “strategic confusion.” Transitioning from solving “how to survive” to exploring “self-awareness.”
It’s not that I’ve never explored self-awareness in my twenties, but I’ve recently discovered that the “me” I thought I knew doesn’t seem to be what I truly want or have thoroughly understood. If before it was “not knowing which path to take,” now the confusion is: “the path seems clear, but I’m starting to doubt my navigation system.”
My perfectionism and results-oriented mindset are assets in the workplace, but sometimes they become expectations and pressures in intimate relationships.I often measure our life, my expectations, and my demands on him, while overlooking the fact that life itself cannot be perfectly quantified.
I’ve begun to realize that when I’m unclear about what I truly want, I easily project my anxiety as criticism towards those around me.
01
Stories in Relationships: Starting from Specific Memories
S&C: When was the last time you felt “understood”?
The last time I felt understood was during a conversation with my therapist. She guided me well and helped me see that some of the troubles in my intimate relationships stemmed from emotions I deemed “unacceptable.”
Not just towards my partner, but also towards myself.I always try to rationally solve problems quickly, but I overlook my true inner demands. After living for so long, I feel like I’ve only recently truly understood that “emotions have no right or wrong; they are merely signals of existence.”
S&C: Do you think you are an approachable person?
I think I am. But I don’t have many truly close friends… so does that count as being approachable? Hahaha.
I’ve always believed that it’s the quality, not the quantity, of friends that matters. I think I’m approachable, but the threshold for deep connections is relatively high.I must be the type of person who is “easy to approach at first, but has boundaries in deep connections.”
S&C: In a relationship, what do you find yourself most easily invested in?
I find myself most easily invested in emotions, but my investment pattern has two stages. In the early stages of a relationship, I’m almost a “romanticist,” easily fully invested due to a small kindness from the other person, even unconsciously falling into a savior mentality.
This makes dating in the early stages quite challenging. But my rational side doesn’t stay absent—once I confirm that the relationship is mutual and has a future, my investment automatically switches modes, from emotional immersion to a more rational and pragmatic full investment (including finances, planning, etc.).
In simple terms, I first use my heart to confirm ‘worth it,’ then use my brain to invest more.
S&C: Is there a particular relationship that left a deep impression on you? Why?
Yes. It was a pit I “had to step into while being awake.” I saw all the red flags, and my friends advised me, but I blocked them all out. Because at that time, I just couldn’t resist the thought: some walls must be hit by me personally to truly understand that lesson.
S&C: In relationships, do you tend to “get closer” or “pull back”?
I used to firmly believe I was a “get closer” type because I don’t like to leave conflicts unresolved overnight and want to solve problems immediately. But later I realized that was just my “efficient” way of handling issues.
In other words, what I thought was “getting closer” was merely being good at resolving conflicts, not expressing feelings. Although I wanted to clarify the argument quickly, my motivation was actually “pulling back”—to quickly eliminate conflict, I often bypass my true feelings and don’t voice them. I sweep my emotions under the rug and then tell myself the problem is solved.
But this is merely an “avoidance” solution; those unaddressed emotions never disappear. They accumulate and become all the internal conflicts I experience—on the surface, everything seems calm, but internally, there are already waves.
02
Emotions in Relationships: Focusing on Emotions and Conflicts
S&C: What do you fear most in a relationship?
What I fear most is when my “mistakes” cause him to turn away and not give me any chance to start over. This fear is so sharp because I find myself often having a contradictory “competitive mentality”—I unconsciously test the other’s bottom line, like playing with fire, enjoying that sense of control.
But when I see that the flames could really burn everything down, I suddenly become timid. What I fear is the irreversible fire that I ignited myself.
S&C: Have there been moments when you felt “invisible”?
Yes. When something I repeatedly emphasize is easily overlooked, I feel “invisible.” But worse is that the process of protesting makes me dislike the version of myself that needs to keep reiterating.
My existence and my dignity clash here.
S&C: Do you see yourself more as a “giver” or a “receiver” in intimacy?
Half and half, I suppose. I have the ability of a “giver,” but a heart of a “receiver.” Ideally, I want to be a “receiver,” and my partner does provide me with a lot of emotional value.
But in reality, I often play the role of a “giver.” This is not by choice, but when I find that the other person fails to meet my expectations in other areas (like problem-solving efficiency, emotional stability), I can’t help but intervene and take charge.
My ability has, in fact, deprived me of the chance to practice “receiving.”
S&C: Have you ever felt exhausted from love?
Of course. When I reach the peak of exhaustion, I completely doubt the meaning of intimate relationships—if I didn’t have to deal with these disputes or face uncontrollable emotions, I could live more efficiently and gracefully on my own. At that point, love feels less like nourishment and more like a series of high-energy-consuming “troubles.”
But on second thought, although this relationship may be a high-energy-consuming operation, the belief is that he and I are each other’s most reliable partners.
S&C: Is there something you wish your partner could understand but you’ve never said it out loud?
My biggest problem is not silence, but being unable to express myself clearly. I have a heart that wants the best for him, but sometimes what I say comes out like a knife. For example, urging him to exercise and care for his health ends up sounding like body shaming…
03
Self-awareness and Growth: Returning to Self from Relationships
S&C: What do you think intimate relationships have taught you?
They have taught me that the most important thing is not to see the other person clearly, but to use the other person to gain clarity about myself. Every conflict and feedback is actually a signal to examine the “root cause” within myself. Only by truly understanding my feelings and what I want can I think about how to express myself well and manage this relationship better.
S&C: Has there been a moment when you suddenly “saw yourself”?
Yes. The recent “seeing myself” came from my confusion over my partner’s emotional instability. Initially, I superficially attributed it to my disdain for him not being handy, like not even being able to fix a clogged drain. But digging deeper, I found that what I truly cannot tolerate is his emotional instability in the face of problems.
When I asked myself why I looked down on an emotionally unstable partner, the answer slowly emerged—my template for a “qualified partner” has been heavily influenced by my father: emotionally stable, efficient in handling matters, and omnipotent.I suddenly realized that I had been using my father’s yardstick to judge and evaluate my partner.
However, the greater “seeing” is: does my partner really not know how to solve problems? That’s not true. It’s just that compared to the so-called “right way to handle things” I’ve seen throughout my life, my partner’s way of expressing emotions may not be true “emotional instability,” but merely “emotional expression.”Just because I haven’t encountered or seen a way of handling emotions doesn’t mean it doesn’t exist or that it’s “wrong.”
S&C: Do you think “independence” and “intimacy” can coexist?
Of course. I believe that “independence” precedes “intimacy.” Independence is the foundation for a healthy intimate relationship.True intimacy should be built on the foundation of “I always have the confidence and ability to detach from the relationship.”This independence ensures that our union is based on “wanting” rather than “needing.”
S&C: When you feel lonely in an intimate relationship, how do you handle it?
I say it directly. I won’t let myself sink into loneliness and internal conflict; instead, I actively translate it into clear needs: a hug, a kiss, or more intimate contact. If I feel emotionally neglected, I will also express my feelings directly.
I firmly believe that stating what I want is the greatest responsibility to myself and the relationship.
S&C: What does “loving yourself” mean to you?
For me, “loving myself” means taking control of my life. Not giving up on things I genuinely enjoy just because my partner doesn’t do certain things. Not treating “togetherness” as a prerequisite for all actions, nor putting my life in a passive state of “waiting for the other to change.”
S&C: What kind of intimate relationship do you expect now?
I hope to see a mutually nourishing relationship, where I can provide the emotional value he wants, rather than just rational analysis, and he can also listen to my demands, further exploring both parties’ true needs, to build a closed loop where emotions can be effectively expressed and needs are positively received.
04
Social and Generational Perspectives: The Relationship Between “I” and the World
S&C: What do you think society expects from women in intimate relationships?
Society expects women to play a specific “role” in intimate relationships: a caregiver who prioritizes family, a supportive figure who understands endurance, and a “standard answer” executor who completes reproductive tasks at the right time and is always ready to sacrifice her career for the family.
S&C: Do these expectations affect you?
Of course, they do.As an individual in society, I cannot be completely immune to the voices of the larger environment. I must admit that some differences stem from objective physiological structures, such as postpartum recovery being a unique challenge for women; and some divisions do indeed have natural “advantage” intervals.
But the problem lies in society amplifying these objective differences infinitely, solidifying them into a rigid set of expectations and templates, which is the deepest influence.
S&C: What misunderstandings do you think social media or film culture exacerbate?
What impressed me most was the book “Lean In,” and I didn’t even finish it. Although my insights may be slightly biased (since I didn’t finish it), the media and culture excel at creating a misunderstanding that packages “privilege” as “universal success.”
The myth of the strong female lead in “Lean In” is fundamentally a “money ability” that ordinary people find hard to reach. The author uses money to solve the most exhausting daily battles of parenting and housework. It also cleverly hides the resources behind it, leading ordinary people to mistakenly believe that their difficulties stem from “not working hard enough,” rather than “unequal resources.”
S&C: Compared to your mother, what differences do you see in attitudes towards intimacy in relationships?
I want to avoid becoming nagging and controlling, but the reality seems to resemble her a bit. However, at least I’ve never thought that women should rely on men, nor do I take men’s contributions for granted.
S&C: Do you think the intimate dilemmas faced by your mother’s generation have been passed down to ours in another way?
I think it’s still the same way. If the dilemma of the previous generation was “unable,” then our fortune is “able.” More equal resources and opportunities have elevated our confidence to voice the dilemmas of intimacy.
S&C: If society could change one thing to allow women to love more freely, what would it be?
To no longer use “when to marry” and “when to have children” as KPIs to measure women’s life value. Either make these the KPIs for measuring men’s life value as well, or allow everyone to have their own timeline.
05
High-Fiving the Past
S&C: If you could say one thing about “love” to your 20-year-old self, what would it be?
The tenderness, care, and compassion given by others are not as strong as the self-care you give yourself.
S&C: Is there something you want to say to all girls? Or to your current self?
There are no “bad” emotions, only unaddressed feelings. Emotions themselves are neither “good” nor “bad”; it’s how you handle them that matters. Please first face and accept your current feelings without reservation, then, with a clear mind, discuss solutions.
* 👏 Once again, thank youGrace for sharing. We are very happy that she is the sixth guest in our column. If you also want to share your story with us, please leave a message or contact Sasha and Carrie on WeChat. Welcome!